Tuesday, November 9, 2010

What the F***? It Doesn't Matter.

I guess I captured your attention with that title, huh?  No, those aren't my words but words of advice that I received over the weekend.  Let me take you back . . .

I love my husband.  I love him with all of my heart but the last 6 or 8 months have been the hardest on our marriage.  I could sit here and blame him for everything but that would be unfair and untrue.  As with any marriage, there are the normal day-to-day stresses that are put on the relationship but in our short 4 year marriage we have had A LOT of them.  Because of my own actions, I came into the marriage with a beautiful baby boy that fell instantly in love with Scott and Scott with him.  I think Kanin was a catalyst in our relationship and made us know instantly that we were going to be together.  Kanin kind of gave us more of a will to stay in the relationship in those early dating years where in other relationships, you can just walk away.

As much as Kanin added to the relationship, it also took away those impromptu dates, the spontaneity of a new relationship.  We have always had a child so we never had that quiet, intimate, just the two of us kind of relationship.

On our wedding all everyone heard me talk about is that I wanted to get pregnant on our wedding night.  Kanin was already 3 by then and I wanted to have a baby so badly.  Well, fast forward 9 months and little GracieAnn was born.  We were living in a 900 sqft condo at the time with 2 adults, a 3 year old, a newborn and a dog.  We immediately knew that it wasn't going to work so we were able to pack up and move to a rental.  In the meantime, Scott had switched to a 100% commission job and I quit work to stay home.

The rental situation had a really ugly, bad ending and we ended up having to buy a house immediately.  We bought a house within 45 days and moved in on December 23 while I was 3 months pregnant with our third child. 

So in the span of 4 years Scott went from a single guy living the life in a condo with his newphew to being married with one instant kid, one of his own, another on the way, starting a new job, moving twice and buying a house.  All major recipes for disaster. 

But we survived. 

So, this past weekend, things kind of hit the fan and I was not happy with him.  I mean not happy with him.  We had bought tickets to see the Barenaked Ladies for Sunday night and we were going with one of his doctors.  I was not in the mood for the concert or to have to be fake and act like everything was fine in front of his doctor while I knew how mad I really was but I went away.

Now, this doctor and I have created kind of a bond.  He did the surgery on my foot a couple of years ago and we just kind of hit it off.  He could tell that something was wrong and started talking to me about it.  When I started telling him how mad I was at Scott and how he had hurt my feelings, etc. the first words out of his mouth were "What the f***?  It doesn't matter."  Well, you can imagine that I was a little taken aback at his language and the fact that he was just blowing the situation off.  Everytime I tried to tell a little more of the story he kept coming back with "What the f***?  It doesn't matter".  Finally, after about the third time of me trying to prove that I was right, he went off on me.  This is what he said . . .

"My son died.  My son is dead.  He went to bed one night and didn't wake up the next.  I'm getting a divorce.  My wife is having an affair with one of the people who spread my son's ashes at his funeral.  I am going to be a twice-divorced man and my son died."

He went on to say that over the past two years since his son's death, he has learned that nothing really matters.  So what if the kids are fighting?  So what if his car gets hit by a stranger in a parking lot?  So what if the house is dirty.  Nothing matters but to appreciate what we do have and who we do have.  He told me that I need to learn to say "It doesn't matter" more often. 

Ok, so at this point, here come the waterworks from me.  More conversation took place but I had gotten his point and over the past couple of days, I have really tried to stop and think about things before I react.  He is right.  Last night when Caleb was throwing a huge fit in Costco and everyone was staring at us, I just told myself "It doesn't matter" at least he is here to throw this fit.  When Scott drank all of the coffee this morning and left me with nothing after I was the one who made the coffee, I had to stop and say "It doesn't matter" at least he is here to drink that coffee. 

I hope that I can keep this advice going in my head and I hope that I will be able to stop myself from sliding down my temperamental slope.  From now on, I am going to try to stop myself and say, "What the F***?  It Doesn't Matter."  Well, I'll probably say "What the HECK?  ;)


  1. This is my favorite post that you ever wrote!! I could go on an on about how much we are alike... but I'll save that for when we meet in person. :) I will have to repeat this to myself as well. Thanks for sharing!!

  2. LOOOOVE THIS! Thank you (and thank that doctor) for sharing that. It gave me chills to read what happened to him and it certainly does put things into perspective. I too am going to try my best to start using the "what the F***? It doesn't Matter" approach to keep me in check!

  3. Sometimes it's good to have a reminder at how good we really have it.I feel like everyone has a hard time in their marriage at times but overall the small stuff does not matter. As restless as I get staying home dealing w/ the day to day things of our life I try to be thankful that all 4 of my kids are here for me to deal with> :) Thanks for the reminder and what a sad one at that.

  4. Wow, I really love this post April. Really, so glad you choose to link it up to the hop. Man on man, that doctor really did put it in perspective. What a great state of mind, and I am glad you have adopted it. I try at times to do it too, but it is hard. I care about (too) little things at times. Thanks for the reminder that life isn't all the bad, and being mad at the hubs isn't the end of the world. Hope you have a great Friday!

  5. That doctor is wise beyond his years. I'm glad you have tried to apply this philosophy more in your own life and to let go of the little things.

    Have a great weekend, thanks for sharing!
    I came from TexaGermaNadian's blog hop :)

  6. Great post! And something we all need to remember. Thanks for posting this reminder.