Sunday, June 12, 2011

A Mommy's Broken Heart

Yesterday Kanin broke my heart.  It felt like a dagger had been stuck straight into my chest and I cried.  And I cried.  And I cried.

What happened is going to sound so trivial so I understand if you don't understand.

We were at a bbq and everyone had been swimming and having fun.  I had gotten a sandwich for Kanin and had him come over to eat. 

I said, "Here, sit on Mommy's lap" and he said, "I'm too big for you.  I don't want to sit on your lap." 

I'm not sure why, and I know he didn't mean to hurt my feelings, but it was like a slap in the face and I just lost it.  Of course, then he felt horrible and kept begging me to stop crying and kept telling me he was sorry.  Then, I felt bad because I was making him feel bad but I think it was just at that exact moment I realized that he is right.  As he continues to get older, he will want to sit on my lap less and less until there is a day when he will never sit on my lap again. 

I'll be the first to admit that I was already emotional (it was Race for the Cure--coming in a different post) and it was just a draining day so I know that I reacted differently than I might have on another day.  On another day I probably would have made a comment like, "You will never be too old to sit on Mommy's lap" and then I would have laughed and grabbed him anyway but on this day, I was heartbroken.  I still am.

I know people who can't wait for their kids to grow up.  They think that I am ridiculous for being so emotional about last days of school, birthdays, and first visits from the Tooth Fairy and that is fine, they can have their opinion.  But, as for me, I love my kids being young.  I love that they still need me and want me and love me.  I know our relationship will change as it must but I want to hold on to every, little ounce of it that I can and keep them young and innocent for as long as possible.

I know that there will be other times that my children break my heart and I will have to deal with those times, too, but for now I am going to work on mending it and maybe go play a mean game of Wii Baseball with Kanin.


  1. Oh April! I totally understand you! I am so sad that my kids are growing up! But also kick that little man's butt because he is way too little to be giving up the lap. haha.

  2. I would cry, too!! Kanin is a sweetheart, though, to apologize! :(

  3. It is heartbreaking to have the first (and all of your kids for that matter) tell you that they are too old for you. I remember vividly the first time my Mark told me that he didn't want to hold my hand when we walked and even more the first time he didn't want me to tuck him in at night. Now, I am watching him finish Junior High and get embarrassed to climb into the car next to me. But, I know that because I kept a close relationship to him, even when he was "too big" for me he will always have a special place for me in his life. So, long story short... hold tight to Kanin. Keep playing those Wii games and keep talking - he will wish he could climb into your lap and let you snuggle him when he gets older.

  4. That is heartbreaking. I cried a couple weeks ago because my daughter started sleeping in her own bed and told me goodnight for the first time. I'm never the first one to cry at a movie or commerical, but having a baby has made me a complete sap-and I'm ok with that.