I understand that the job of being a mother is the most important job that I will ever, ever have. I have the responsibility to not only maintain their health and welfare during the baby, toddler, pre-teen and teenage years but even more than that is that I have the awesome responsibility to ensure that my children become honest, hard-working, ethical, spiritual, healthy adults. That is a tall order to be put in charge of and I have to be honest and say that sometimes I don't know if I am cut out for the job.
I sometimes wonder if I am actually "cut out to be a mom". I know that, obviously, I have no choice in that matter now. That choice was made over six years ago and I would not trade my life with children for my life without children for anything.
But . . .
There are those times that I am a little jealous of those who don't have the responsibility of making every decision for a little person (or in my case 3 little people). Sometimes I wish that I could just go get a pedicure, go out to dinner or just take a nap without having to either get a babysitter or check with the hubby to see if he is going to be around and if he cares that I get away for a couple of hours.
It's not only the longing for a little freedom that creeps into my mind. I sometimes wonder if I'm doing things right. If I were, would my children be constantly fighting with each other? Would they be mouthing off back at me? What is it that I'm not doing right?
I had a thought yesterday that really my children are a direct reflection of me. I yell at them, they yell at each other. I boss them around, they try to boss each other around. I wonder if when they look back on their childhood days if that's what they will remember about me? I hope that they will realize then that I didn't let them get away with things because I was preparing them for their adult years and not trying to appease them during these current years.
It's a very overwhelming task sometimes, to be a mom. I never realized before I had children how utterly drained, mentally exhausted and emotionally empty it can sometimes be. It is a thankless job at times but I'm hoping that someday I will look back and think that I didn't do half bad.